


Lucky

by bornobsession



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Yuzuru Hanyu/Javier Fernandez - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Fluff, In which they always find their way back to each other, Light Smut, M/M, soft, yuzuvier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-04-17 00:32:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14176698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornobsession/pseuds/bornobsession
Summary: "And this too shall pass."Because everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Maybe not in that order but it's there.Yuzuru and Javi know exactly which stage they're in and it might hurt a little.





	1. All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yuzuru thinks Javier is upset after the Olympics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: I really know nothing about figure skating, outside of Yuzu and Javi so I'm sorry for any mistakes. also this plot (if there is any plot) makes no sense, so sorry for that too. I'm very new to both writing and the fandom, but I wanted to post some fluff bc I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Lucky. Lucky lucky lucky.

Yuzuru felt as if he was running on luck these past few weeks. After his ankle injury, he felt angry—at first at everyone else, then he couldn’t help but blame it on himself. Only him and his stupid clumsy feet messed up the jump and now everything was ruined.  
He was lucky enough to recover in time for the Olympics.

During practice, he felt his right ankle throbbing inside his boot, dull, yet ever so present. He tried to subtly shift his weight to his left, not wanting Brian to notice.  
But Javi did. He always notices.  
The look he shot him from across the rink said everything.  
“It’s ok. I just push through now and worry after. Most important is Olympics.”  
Javi shook his head and skated over.  
“Don’t push yourself. You’re no good on the ice if you can’t skate on it.”  
Yuzuru’s mouth set in a hard line, his eyes burned with determination. He hated when people said he couldn’t do things. Even Javi.  
He was lucky Javi didn’t protest further.

His short program was amazing. Even Yuzuru was surprised. He never let it show though. He saw the wave of Winnie the Poohs and a smile permanently etched itself on his face.  
He thought of his stupid right ankle. Through tomorrow. It will be okay.  
He was lucky it was just a stupid right ankle now.

Moments before the free skate, he remembers the Autumn Classics. He skated this exact program. And he failed. He remembers each jump, how they kept falling apart so fast, one after the other, the sudden feeling of cold ice on his bottom, and he hates it. He puts the anger, all the self resentment into this last skate and it is the most satisfying feeling in the whole world to nail this performance. His ankle is so close to dragging him down, but he doesn’t let it. He bows to the crowd, screaming out pure joy. Yuzuru can hear the loud cheers, and at this moment he just feels so incredibly lucky to be him.

He already knew it was coming. First man in 66 years to win back to back gold. He said it doesn’t matter, as long as he does his best, but it is still a breathtaking honor to hold. The tears began to fall and Javi was there as a makeshift Pooh. He is lucky Javi is his, in a way others don’t know about, in a way others would be jealous of, in a way others definitely wouldn’t be surprised at.

They don’t see each other the rest of the evening. Yuzu’s whisked off to dinner with the Japanese team after a string of long interviews where he most definitely messed up his English answers. He hates English, but also loves it, because it is what connects him to Javi. The language of skating can only go so far when trying to ask someone on a date.

Later that night he cannot sleep. The hotel bed is big. Too big to be comfortable. In his mind he plays his own performance over and over again, Shoma—the little brother he always wanted but never had—getting silver, and Javi, his Javi, settling for bronze. And somewhere in the back of his mind he recognized Javi’s warm smiles as he looked at the gold around Yuzu’s neck and back down to his own bronze. For some reason, his happiness starts to fade. And while his glorious memories are filled with noise, they suddenly become silent as he focuses on Javi. His mind starts flashing back to these small moments—fleeting but just now dawning on him. It seemed he always had a lead on Javier, through all the broken records, the gold medals, the attention, and his guilt starts magnifying. Yuzuru feels even worse when he remembers how awful it was when he did lose. Those times when Javier did beat him, Yuzuru couldn’t help but feel it was at his own expense, and he wanted to slap himself for thinking this way. He wondered why he couldn’t handle defeat the way Javi does, with grace and a sense of maturity. Instead he would lock himself in his room and cry like the big baby he was. Why was he having these thoughts now? He just won the Olympics, twice, yet here he was unable to sleep over the agonizing regret. 

He realizes over the years him and Javi have grown timid of each other. The fine line between wanting to win and wanting his relationship with Javi to remain on good terms began to grow into a road. And across the road he could see his 17 year old self, content with however the podium turned out, just happy to skate and happy to laugh and happy with Javi. Now the stakes were higher and he had everything to lose, not just gold titles, but his boyfriend. He feels stuck on this side of the road and there is no crosswalk or traffic lights and he doesn't know how to get back to the other side. He loves Javi but he also misses the times when he was just his best friend, when he wasn’t conscious of the delicate boundary that seemingly grew out of nowhere. Yuzu knew it was irrational, but he was scared of the slightest imbalance between them. It was like after they started dating the joking nature of brothers morphed into nervousness that they would hurt each other’s feelings. Maybe Javi really was offended that he was always overshadowed by him and is silently resenting him. Maybe all that anger will one day explode and then it’ll really all be over. 

There was a soft buzz and a click, before the door handle turned. A silhouette peeked behind the door and hesitated. Yuzu scratched the back of his neck, contemplating whether or not the front desk lady knew he was lying when he said he lost the keycard to his room. Javi’s room. He was grateful she didn’t say anything yet he felt her eyes burning into his back as he walked towards the elevator. It was the same lady who checked him in earlier that week, distinctly telling him his room was 312 not 408. 

And now he stood in the middle of Javi’s room, in the dark, at two in the morning. He gently peeled back the covers ever so slightly to avoid awakening the Spaniard and tried to wiggle his way into the bed. He was unsuccessful as Javi’s eyes fluttered open and darted around the room.

“It’s me.”

Javi noticeably relaxed at Yuzu’s voice.

“I’m sorry I wake you. Couldn’t sleep.”

Javi just mumbles and turns around to nuzzle his face into Yuzu’s neck, arm naturally slinging around his waist.

It’s silent for moment. Then, “Why can’t you sleep?” 

Exhaustion evident in his voice, not fully awake yet but still aware that something is wrong. And then Yuzu feels guilty again, for waking Javi, and coming to complain about winning for God’s sake- what was wrong with him? For a moment Yuzu questions whether or not to tell, but his mouth blurts it out before his brain can decide.

“I’m sorry. And I just realize too. So I am double sorry. And I wake you now. So three times sorry.” He was sure he wasn’t even making any sense but Javi’s head perks up, finally coming to terms with the early wake up call.

“What? Why are you sorry?”

Yuzuru sighs and contemplates how to continue.

“I know your goal to bring skating to Spain. But this your first medal at Olympics and is bronze. Even when you’re better, when I don’t deserve win, I still win. I think I get in way of goal.”

Javi didn’t know whether to laugh or not, but Yuzu’s serious face told him he might cry. He pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“This is the first time I’ve heard someone complain about winning too much.” He couldn’t hold back the light chuckle, but then again Yuzu was being very silly.

Yuzu huffed. This is exactly why he should’ve kept his mouth shut. Javi would only see him as taking everything for granted and unappreciative for the collection of first place titles he accumulated over the years.

“No I only want you to win more. Not complaining.”

Javi stares at him with a smirk that was ever growing. “I can’t win if you’re always winning.”

“I know. I am sorry.”

And finally Javi sighs, knowing that Yuzu truly was torturing himself over this.

“You know, I win sometimes too.” Javier made a face, pouty and adorable.

That didn’t work at cheering him up either, only bringing a grimace to the Japanese man’s face.

“I know. I always cry like baby and get mad after.”

Javi pulled him tighter to his chest.

“Yes, but you’re my baby.”

This at least brought a small smile to Yuzu’s face.

“And it’s okay to feel mad, I feel mad all the time when I don’t win.”

This was apparently news to Yuzu, shock painted on his face.

“Really? But you always so calm, even happy for me.” Then he brought out the fifth apology for the night. “I am sorry because I not happy enough for you when you win.”

He remembers the night he won his first Olympics in Sochi. Javi snuck into his room later that night and worshipped him like a king, his body thoroughly sore the next morning, and not from the strenuous program he skated that earned him the gold. Yuzu recalls Worlds in 2015, when Javi first took away the brand new champion title he earned previously, and what he said to him while he cried his eyes out.

“Even though I am the champion this time, you are always the champion in my heart.”

“I’m too sad for myself, and forget how be happy for you. I am bad person.”

And then he remembers World Championships in 2016, and how he came in second behind Javier after wasting the 12 point lead from the short. He remembers wallowing in his own sadness the whole night before turning in early. He desperately wants to forget how he was a party pooper on Javi’s special night and the worried texts he continuously ignored.

“No Yuzu, you aren’t.” Javi sounded like a firm parent, scolding a child for sneaking an extra cookie before dinner. “You are anything but a bad person. You are amazing and beautiful and talented and humble and everything I could ever hope to be. You are Yuzu and that is what matters. Bronze is already a big accomplishment for me and I could not be more happy for what it means for Spain. But you are allowed to be sad when you lose, just as you can be happy when you win.”

Javi didn’t want to admit it, but he could feel a slight annoyance creeping up when Yuzu’s face showed he still wasn’t getting it.

“But you only happy. You happy for me and never sad or mad at me because I win instead.”

At this Javi’s heart softens. He reaches a hand up to his his cheek and brushes the bangs out of his eyes.

“I don’t lose because of you. I lose because of me. You don’t have to feel bad for beating me because of my shortcomings.”

“But I do. I wish we both win gold. Every time.”

Javi cracks a smile. “That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”  
He flops back onto the bed with his arms behind his head. Yuzu crosses his hands on top of Javi’s chest and rests his chin there, looking up at his face. 

“You don’t have to feel bad for me. Even if I don’t win, I’m still winning.”

Javi looks down at a confused Yuzu before clarifying. Quickly rolling the younger man underneath him, one hand on his waist, the other tangled his messy black hair, he kisses him, slow and languid, as if they had all the time on earth, as if the sun won’t rise in a few hours and they must part ways again.

“I’m winning,” he whispered in between kisses, “because I have you.”

At this Yuzu blushed and kissed back harder. And it is now that Yuzuru feels so infinitely lucky to have this small, early morning with Javi, to feel so loved and content. Its as if everything perfectly aligned for this moment and his heart swells so much he feels like it’s about to explode.

Javier breaks away first, but not without some whining from Yuzuru.

“So, I take it you like kissing me more than winning gold, huh?”

The smile suddenly drops from the Japanese man’s face. Eyes full of seriousness, mouth curved down as if offended that was even a question. 

“No.” Short and curt. And Javi wasn’t going to lie, it hurt a little.

“Well damn, you didn’t have to be so harsh. I mean I know you like winning bu-”

He was cut off with a kiss.

“I like kissing you more than winning gold. Than winning Olympics. More than anything.”

And if Yuzuru noticed the tears welling in the corners of his eyes, he was sure glad as hell he didn’t say anything.

They lay together in silence a while more before Javi looks at the clock. 3:21 shone brightly back at him. He sighed.

“Should we at least try to get some sleep? You’ll probably be bombarded with press interviews tomorrow.”

“What is bombards mean?” A face full of earnest curiosity. He was sporting that cute head tilt he always did when he was a little clueless. Javi liked it. It was endearing. 

Javi laughed. “It means you’ll be really busy tomorrow and should rest while you can.”

“No point now, already wide awake.” His eyes shone so full of love. Yuzuru just wanted this moment to last forever. He knew that kind of miracle didn’t exist but he sure wasn’t going to waste what he had left of it on sleep. He never wanted to leave. He didn’t want to think about tomorrow at all. 

Yuzu slung his arms around the Spanish man. This one hell of a sexy Spanish man hovering over him.

“Kiss me.”

And who was Javier to deny his wishes? He just won the damn Olympics and wasn’t about to get in the way of his hot blooded desires.

“Mmm, Okay.” And then he kissed him like he meant it, like it wasn’t just a habit at this point in their relationship.  
Their tongues interlocked, lips smacking. It was messy but it was everything Yuzu was hoping for.

He could feel hands roaming, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. The slight wiggle of hips on hips told a story of a different bump growing down there. 

Yuzu pulled away, gasping for air. 

“Do you want me to fuck you or will you fuck me?

Javier was startled by his sudden forwardness but quickly recovered.

“Actually, never mind. I won gold tonight. So you fuck me.” Yuzuru smiled so cheekily his eyes almost closed shut.

Javier couldn’t help but laugh out loud, a deep genuine laugh that always makes Yuzu’s heart shudder in his ribcage. “That’s some solid reasoning.” And he was happy to oblige, dipping his head to kiss the patch of skin exposed just above his shirt collar.

Suddenly everything felt so hot and tight. Yuzu motioned for Javi to take his shirt off before moving to remove his own. He then went commando underneath the sheets before slipping his hands into the back of Javi’s boxers to settle on his perky butt. 

There was a lot of shuffling and giggling between kisses before they finally got situated beneath the covers. Maybe it was just the aftermath of winning gold, but Yuzu was positively glowing. He reached his hands around Javi’s neck, trying to pull him as close as possible.

“I love you.”

Yuzu looked up, eyes smiling at their fullest. 

“I know.”

And then Javi was inside, pushing and pushing, until he was hovering so close to edge of the cliff he was practically dangling by a thread. 

Yuzu knew Javi loved it when he got a little bit frantic, his movements a little bit rough, his words a little bit desperate. He couldn't help it but Javi could make his heart melt into a puddling mess with the simplest touch. 

Yuzuru felt he was being stretched so thin in so many different directions that he would soon tear into a million different pieces and float away. But it was Javi’s sweet kisses on his chest, open-mouthed and hot, that were gluing him together again.

And then everything was shaking, his whole body trembling underneath Javi, and he couldn’t stop the incoherent mix of English and Japanese from tumbling out his mouth. Yuzuru felt like the whole world was melting, even time came to a standstill. All he could feel was Javi. Javi Javi Javi. His name on the tip of his tongue, getting snagged in his throat, everything coming out as a desperate moan. 

Javi’s body was slumped over, muscles completely slack, gasping, trying to catch his breath before speaking. 

“Wow, that was fun. Let’s do it again,” Javi teased, although a hint of hope was evident,” Javi said teasingly. 

Yuzu groaned before pushing Javi off and rolling to lay half on top and half next to him. 

“No I’m so tired, I can’t go again,” he whined. 

Javi’s hand trailed down his stomach, absent mindedly tracing spins and loops into Yuzu’s skin. They lay there, thoughts wandering into the realm of sated desire. 

Suddenly Javi's head shot up, brow creased with worry.

“How’s your ankle?”

He slapped Yuzu’s shoulder, not enough to truly hurt, but just enough to let him know his disapproval for putting his health second. “That was stupid of you. I know you want to skate, but you could’ve seriously hurt yourself.”

“Is okay. Getting better everyday. It only hurt time to time.”

Javi still looked unconvinced.

“Only one time I push. Today because Olympics. And is only every four years maybe our last.”

At that Javi shut up. He hated this topic. Once they retired they would really have to part ways. Javier wants to bring skating to Spain. Yuzuru is a big celebrity and practically a pop star in Japan. And their families. They can’t just leave everything behind, no matter how much they want to. It finally dawns on Javier that they’ve created their own personal bubble in Toronto and the whole time they forgot to poke their heads above the surface to see where they were going. Now it felt too rushed, as if they didn’t even have time to breath before the bubble will float to the spiky coldness of reality and pop, exposing all their warmth and joy, spilling out everywhere without a chance to make a new bubble. 

Yuzuru could tell he hit the sensitive spot in their relationship. He smiled and placed a hand on Javi’s cheek. He could feel a bit of wetness but didn’t say anything.

“Maybe not last. Maybe I win 3 times in a row. Set biggest record.”

Javi smiled wide. “I’ll cheer for you.”

And now it was Yuzuru’s time to feel sad. He remembered right after the rush of winning gold, Javier told him it might be his last Olympic games. And he meant every word when he said when he couldn’t do it without Javier. He thought about Javi cheering him on from the sidelines, and could feel the tears resurface, the burning tears that threatened to spill in front of the crowd earlier, finally began to flow.

“I’ll sneak Pooh in for you. I’ll smuggle him under my jacket. We’ll both cheer you on.”

At this, Yuzu only cried harder, full on wailing, uncontrollable and frantic. 

“I don’t want you cheer, I want you skate.”

In the back of Yuzuru’s mind he told himself he was being selfish. So incredibly selfish. At 26, the brutal sport of figure skating definitely has a toll on the body.  
Yet Yuzu couldn’t help it. Javi was most beautiful on the ice. He didn’t want that to ever go away. 

Javi wiped at the corner of his eyes with a gentle thumb and kissed away the streaks of tears on his cheeks like he wished he could’ve out on the rink.

“I’ll still be skating. I’m just not going to the Olympics anymore. No point if I don’t win,” he joked. 

Yuzu marveled at how he could make light of their situation. But that was always Javi. Always fun and happy and there for him.

“If I promise to let you win next time will you come?”

Javi shook his head, an endearing grin plastered all over his face. 

“As if you’d ever let me win.”

“I give all back. You have all gold.” He snuggled closer to Javi. “I follow you.”

Javier knew Yuzu was only half joking. He knew in reality Yuzu would never give up a chance for gold, but he could hear desperation infringing its way into the conversation. 

“I can’t do it without you.”

“Yes you can. You’re Yuzu. You can do anything, especially without an old guy like me dragging you down.”

Javi meant it as a joke, but could see it went right over Yuzuru’s head. 

“You don’t drag me down. You push me forward so I fly.”

And Yuzuru did not mean it as a joke. 

“I love you so so so much.” Yuzu’s eyes did that thing again, almost crinkling shut when he smiled. 

He spread his arms to either side, as wide as they would go, trying to stretch past his own arm span. “This much.” 

“Only this much?” Javi clicked his tongue in mock disappointment. “I’m greedy tonight. I want more.”

He turns both of them on their sides, facing each other. 

Yuzu stares intently at Javi’s face. The curve of his cheeks, how they blend so nicely with the point of his nose. How smooth his skin looked in the sliver of moonlight peeking through the curtain. Even his eyes, though heavy lidded, were dark and warm, as if one look was an invitation to the deepest parts of his soul. Yuzu does everything in his power to ingrain this memory forever in his brain, the way Javi looks, the way Javi smells, the way Javi feels, lying here next to him. 

Yuzu’s face beamed with happiness and beauty, although a bit sad at the thought of the future. Their legs tangle underneath the thick blanket and Javi’s face came to rest in the crook of Yuzu’s neck, breathing in his scent, internalizing this moment forever. And now Javier felt so lucky that Yuzu came in the middle of the night to wake him, even though his worries were trivial, even though they had to get up early in the morning, even though the media is probably camped out inside the village, and he cant help but wonder: how did he get so damn lucky to have Yuzuru all the himself. 

There were never enough even thoughs to keep them apart for long. But still. That lingering thought of What now? was stuck in Yuzu’s mind. For now he could stay here in Javi’s warmth but when Javi moved back to Spain… 

Yuzu shook his head, chiding himself. This moment was untouchable, etched in time and his soul. Heartache should be lifetimes away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My very first fic ever! (besides the godawful one I posted years ago for Austin and Ally, but, my first serious one that I actually have plans for and know how to write) I didn't plan to post this so long after the olympics, but I am also the queen of procrastination, so...


	2. For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it all began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been forever since the first chapter. Will probably be forever till the next chapter too :)

_Fall of 2013_

Javi can’t figure it out, but there is most definitely something wrong with him.

His heart hurts all the time and he’s always exhausted.

His only salvation resides at the TCC. His first love: the cold smooth ice; his second, quite the opposite: his warm and comforting best friend.

_Best friend._ Javi wants nothing more than for the best friend title to turn into something else.

He tries to trace it back to when it first started, but he can’t pinpoint exactly which moment, where, how, _why._

Now they are stuck in this limbo, not sure where they stand in each other’s lives, only knowing they couldn’t possibly live without the other.

Every fiber in his being screams at him: _“Tell him, tell him, tell him. You can tell him and if he says no you’ll die but it’s better than not knowing. You’ll die either way, from rejection or from wondering, let him ruin you. Just tell him and maybe you can finally move on.”_

God, Javi wants to tell him so bad. He wants to go against every ounce of common sense and just bare everything to the world. He’s well aware, that if he were to give in, it would simply be a moment of temporary pleasure, a moment  that he’s not strong enough to hold out on and turn away from. He knows that if he tells, it won’t end up well. He knows that if he tells, Javi will eventually lose him, if not of his own doing, it will be because the world is just fucked up that way. Everything in his mind says _no, you’ll regret it later. You won’t be together forever so why start at all. You’ll lose him as a friend and then you’ll truly be alone, no one will be on your side._ And he would have listened if weren’t for his stupid heart, dragging him around to follow Yuzuru like a damn puppy, betraying his own head, over the cliff that would definitely kill him later in a most gruesome way he could imagine.

In the end he thinks _Even if it doesn’t last ,can’t I give myself this one reprieve? If I have to suffer in the end, it will be worth whatever is in the middle. And the beginning and even the life after this, I want to remember being happy, even if for a moment, a few years, God please just give me a few years._

Javi starts one day after practice, trying to judge the atmosphere, if Yuzu was responding to his flirting. Perhaps he was or wasn’t, and that in Javi’s deluded mind, everything thing Yuzuru said or did was just hopeless hopes, piling up until Javi was stuck in his own black hole of desire and loss.

It felt like he was trapped on his own mountain of desperation, frantically trying to find a way down to safety, but at the same time, he couldn’t bear to leave the view. Because with it, all the memories of climbing up there would be lost and Javi can’t think of anything else he wants out of life than to conquer his damn mountain.

“I think I under rotated last one. Did you see?”

Javi snaps out of his train of thought, glancing sharply at Yuzuru. They were walking back to the locker rooms, tired and sweaty after a grueling practice. It wasn’t just because Javi’s muscles are protesting and screaming, he longs for the end of each session, because they get to practice their synchronized stroking to cool down. If he tries hard enough he can almost imagine they’re skating together, maybe as pairs, maybe as the same person, and he craves the smooth gliding ice under skate again as they match stride for stride.

He tries again here, on solid ground, matching step for step, even bobbing his head up and down when he sees Yuzuru do the same. He feels comforted and imagines their breathing syncing up too. Maybe if he could just reach his hand out a little, brush their fingers together momentarily…

“Yeah, the landing was a little shaky.”

Javi looks straight ahead, could no longer bear to look at Yuzu’s face. Because if he stared any longer the dam that was in his head holding everything back would come tumbling down and at that point, there was no amount of backpedaling to fix the floodwaters that told him _You’ll drown if it breaks, but you’ll drown anyway because pretty soon you’ll jump in on your own._

He tried, God knows he tried, to be happy with what he had.

_Why can’t he be happy just being friends?_

And it is only now, that Javi realizes the problem is _him._ He can’t muster up the courage to tell Yuzuru how he really feels, so instead, he constantly lives in a state of self loathing and pining. He couldn’t decide which was worse, the devilish voice in the back of head repeating _you’re not good enough_ at the cruelest moments of the day, or the longing looks he often caught himself guilty of giving, as if he were at a museum, only allowed to look but never to touch.

“Javi!”

He looks up just long enough to see the swinging door in front of his face before the stinging pain registers along with a steady stream of red flowing from his nose.

“Oh my god Javi, I’m so sorry! Are you okay, god, I didn’t see you there!”

Javi looks up to see Tracy’s worried face staring at his.

He gingerly touches his nose, wincing at the slightest contact.

“I’m alright. Could you get me some ice?” Tracy immediately nods and hurries to retrieve an ice pack from the medical supplies.

He pinches his nose and tilts his head back in an attempt to slow the stream of blood, rushing to the locker room and turning on the sink.

He can hear Yuzuru rushing around, doors slamming, and moments later, returning with an ice pack and a towel.

Javi takes both, a grateful smile was all he could manage, played off like the pain of getting his nose smashed in was the real cause of his discomfort.

“Tracy said she sorry again.”

“It’s okay, I don’t blame her. It was mainly my fault for not paying attention.”

“Are you okay? It look bad. I get Brian?” Yuzu was already halfway out the door before Javi calls him back.

“No it’s fine. I’m fine. Don’t worry, it’ll clot in a second. Just...stay here for a little bit.” Javi trails off, well aware that the request wasn’t out of the ordinary, but that he was making it sound like it was a bigger deal than it was.

Javi sits down on the bench with a heaving sigh, keeping the towel pressed to his nose. The bleeding had slowed to a small trickle by now, but he took no notice.

Typical. Too lost in his own thoughts to take his eyes off the goddamn floor and here was, one door in the face later, very much humiliated and very much in pain.

Yuzu sits down next him, hand already reaching up to offer to hold the ice for him.

“You don’t have to.” Yet Javi made no move to stop him, sitting back to get comfortable.

“I know. I want to.”

“Are you okay?” Yuzu looks up at him from under his bangs, eyes innocent and alluring.

They both knew he wasn’t asking about his nose, but rather his distant eyes and muddled brain and everything in between.  

And at that moment, Javi knew. The dam was broken and the water was rushing towards him at an alarming pace.

“No. I’m not okay. I’m not okay and I don’t know what to do.”

It was almost out. He wants to smile at the thought that he finally has the guts to say it, except it’s like all the energy suddenly left his body and his brain was stuck in panic mode. His face probably looks stuck panic mode too.

_Say it say it say it. Say it now. Your time is up._

“What’s wrong? I help?”

He holds his breath, preparing for the rushing undercurrent that was just over his head.

“Maybe. I don’t know.” He wasn’t trying to sound coy or cryptic, but it came out that way anyway.

“Tell me, maybe I-”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Steely silence fills the locker room. Yuzuru hesitates but shows no obvious reaction, instead grabbing the towel, running it under the tap and began wiping at the blood smeared on Javi’s face.

God, God God God, Javi was so screwed. He could’ve just died peacefully and let the riptide drag him out to sea, if only he never opened his big fat mouth.

Was he ignoring him? Javi knows for sure that Yuzu heard his remark in the tiny empty room, where words seemed to bounce and echo around everywhere before finally fading. Maybe the echo was just in Javi’s head to match his pounding heart, the disbelief that he finally said it, the desire to take it back growing stronger by the second.

If he is ignoring it, Javi didn’t know whether to be angry or grateful. They could pretend this never happened, _go back go back go back_ , just ignore this freshly planted awkwardness that he wedged in between them. But, he also envisioned Yuzu at least acknowledging his feelings, even if he didn’t return them. Now, he feels like some little kid who’s never taken seriously, tossed aside because Yuzu was uncomfortable, not even spared a backwards glance.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“I already know.”

Javi’s neck jerks up so fast he almost snaps it.

“What? How? And since when?”

Although in hindsight, Javi could clearly see himself from the outside, examining everything through a magnifying lens. The lingering touches. The longing looks. The unwavering smiles. _Oh God._ How could he be so _stupid?_ All the embarrassment and mortification finally catches up to him and he wants to crawl to the furthest corner of the shower stalls and curl up into his own ball of regret.

Yuzuru knew everything, and continued to let Javi put himself out there like that, as if he was a fish swimming in a barrel and Yuzu was staring down at him, watching him flounder and drown.

“I always know. You very bad at flirting.”

Javi blushed, biting back his tongue. “And?”

Yuzu gives him a look, challenging him back, as if asking _what else do you need?_

The whole room feels so awkward that Javi wants to go back out to the rink and let the zamboni crush him as it rode back and forth over the ice.

“Well...You know...do you feel the same….?” He trails off into the silence, perplexed at how long this encounter was going to drag on. Yet he knows as soon as the whole ordeal is over he’ll go wallow in self hatred the whole night, so really, this was the better option.

Yuzuru sets down the towel and the ice pack, sitting with a leg on each side of the bench to fully face him.

“What do you think?” There’s light twinkle in his eyes, giving Javi the slightest glimmer of hope.

“I don’t know…I…can we at least stay friends? I don’t want us to-”

His words become muffled when Yuzu’s lips were suddenly on his lips, and Yuzu’s hands were grabbing at his waist, and Yuzu’s eyes were fluttering shut against his cheeks.

Javi sat there, still as a stone, afraid to disturb the calm waters. He thought if he moved, he would ruin whatever _this_ was, that he’d wake up from some sick, cruel dream and hate himself for even dreaming it.

But still, this was _Yuzu. Yuzu, his crush since God knows when was sitting here and kissing him_. Javi’s body couldn’t help but dissolve into his kiss, his arms, his everything and let himself indulge in this one moment.

_If this is just another dream, please God never let me wake up, I beg of you. I have found my home, where I am meant to be. Please let me dream of this forever._

When Yuzu finally does pull away, there’s a single strand of shared spit still connected between them. Javi is mortified, while Yuzu seems unfazed.

“So, I take that as a yes?” Javi knows that while he was being sarcastic and joking around, the underlying seriousness and desperation still remained.

Yuzu rolls his eyes, exasperated.

“Yes, Javi. That is yes.”

He leans in close to whisper in his ear, despite the fact that they were the only two people in the locker room.

“I think I love you too. Long time now. You very bad at taking hints.”

Javi shudders at how close Yuzu was and how deep his voice sounds right next to him.  

“How many times are you going to insult my flirting skills today?”

He mock pouts teasingly, putting on a defensive front, but on the inside his brain was on the line between total breakdown and exploding happiness. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, and the smile on his face refused to loosen. Javi was pretty sure his muscles would get stuck like that soon if he didn’t stop, and physically smooshes his cheeks in with his fingers.

“A lot. You don’t notice forever. Very frustrating.”

“Well how am I supposed to know you liked me back? You never did anything either!”

Yuzu huffs, feigning annoyance. “Yuh-huh! I came to Brian just for you. I even asked for same hotel room on most ice show, and get same practice time here. I always walk to bus with you after too.”

The playful accusing tone suddenly turns soft.

“I always hold hands longer than should. I squeeze you hard when hugging.”

And with these statements, Yuzu physically carries out each action, interlacing their fingers on one hand, wrapping his other arm around Javi’s waist, pressing the skin just above his hip.

“I always find way to play with your hair, to touch you for no reason.”

Yuzu’s hand tangles in his hair, the other letting go of Javi’s to trail up and down his arm.

Before he knows it, they are kissing again.

All Javi could think about was that _this is how I want to die_. Plus the tongue action was pretty hot, if he was going to be honest.

  


If Javi were to recall the rest of that year, he would say everything was a blur, speeding by too fast, but dragging on too slow at the same time. All he wanted was more, more more more more.  

Time itself melded together, as he couldn’t remember which days were which, only that everything felt whole. The hole in his heart was slowly closing, and for the life of him, Javi couldn’t even remember what punctured it in the first place.

If he had to recall the rest of that year , he would picture Yuzu’s smiling face, the warm intimate moments of just them together in the locker room, the innocent and not-so-innocent sleepovers at Javi’s apartment. He knows that this is the first time he’s been truly, truly happy, ever since moving out to Toronto all by himself.

They spend New Year’s together, telling Yuzu’s mother there would be a party at the TCC. Which wasn’t a complete lie, they just had a party of two by themselves and left a little early, that’s all.

The countdown to 2014 was probably a little underwhelming, but Javi couldn’t deny the fact that he finally felt like a little kid again, letting the fireworks rumble their way through his bones. Although he wasn’t sure if it was the actual fireworks or his first New Year’s kiss with Yuzu that jolted him to life. They were only watching a TV broadcast afterall.

  


“I feel you think too much.”

Yuzu was laying on top of him, in front of the TV. It was definitely on, but to Javi, it felt like staring at a screen full of static and listening to the monotonous flatline that should only belong in hospitals.

“I can’t help it. I feel like I messed everything up.”

The interview went live today, and everything started falling apart.

Reports came out using his own words against him.

_“Javier Fernandez Tells Gays to Lie Low in Sochi”._

He wished he could take it all back, or better yet, sew his stupid mouth shut.

He didn’t mean it to be anything more than a joke, except now his name was trending on twitter as the backlash started rolling in.

Although it was ironic; he was gay himself and people thought he was homophobic or something, calling him out on every social media platform known to man.

At first Javi was angry that the reporter twisted his words and made it the big deal that it became.

But now, he was just mad at himself for even thinking and saying that stuff in the first place, no matter how lighthearted the intention.

“I feel like I’ve disappointed everyone. My country, my family, you.”

“It do not matter what they think. You not disappoint me because I know you not think that way. I know it not possible and that’s all matter.”

There were a lot of pauses and stumblings, but Javi got the point.

Yuzu sighed, defeated. It was at the point where Javi wasn’t even making fun of his broken English anymore.

“It will be good. Maybe….maybe we tell them we dating, then-”

“No!” Javi’s yell pierced the solemn atmosphere. He sat up slightly, forcing Yuzu to sit up as well.

“I just — I don’t want to tell anyone yet...if they found I was dating _you_ of all people, that’d be even worse.”

Yuzu’s face crumpled a bit, but was immediately wiped clean. If he thought about crying, the tears would definitely start falling.

“What that supposed to mean?” Yuzu tried to sound angry, but couldn’t keep the tremble out of his voice.

Javi’s eyes widened when he realized just what he said and how it came across. “No! It’s nothing with you or us.” He paused, eyes softening at the thought of Yuzu’s assumptions. He reached a hand out to brush a thumb against Yuzu’s cheek.

“I just don’t want people to judge us. You know they will. There’s a lot of hardcore fans, and who knows what other kind of jerks. I just like everything how it is now. I don’t want things to change. I feel like if we come out, there’ll be all this added pressure and even more negative media.”

Yuzu breathed out, trying to suck his tears back inside.

“Hey, look at me. You know I love you, okay? No matter what the media said, or what the media says _I_ said, where we are right now is perfect.”

“Javi, that not the problem! Everyone think you bad person. But I know that not right. I want to show world you a good person. I want to show them you I know. My you.”

The more animated Yuzu got, the faster he talked, and the more frustrated he became. He wasn’t sure if his broken English was making an sense to Javi and completely abandoned it, talking in Japanese.

“ _They’re spreading false rumours about you everywhere. I know the person they’re painting you out to be is not who you really are. You don’t have to face this alone. I can help, Javi. Let me help.”_

Yuzu sat there, straddling him. Any other time, Javi would’ve reached up for a hot kiss and slid his hands around to squeeze his ass, but Yuzu looked so small, looking down at him with hopeful eyes, to the point that Javi just wanted to wrap him up into his arms and retreat into his safe haven.

Javi slumped back into the sofa, only aware that his name was spoken within that mess of rapid fire Japanese, and that Yuzu was probably the love of his life. And it happens in an instant, but Javi realized whatever the public has to say about him doesn’t matter. The only thing that really matters was sitting atop him at the very moment, making everything infinitely better. To have Yuzu by his side was already enough to overcome whatever hell this week had dragged him through.

“I have no idea what you just said, but it was really hot.”

Yuzu rolled eyes. “Can you listen? This important!”

And now Javi did reach up for his hot kiss and moved his hands to sit on Yuzu’s ass.

When he broke away, Yuzu’s eyes were still closed, as if trying to relive the moment even though it just happened.

Surprisingly, Javi could hear his own voice saying, “I don’t care anymore. What’s done is done.”

Yuzu gave him a pointed look, as if telling him: _Really? Yesterday you were so out of it you could barely eat. And when you did you almost always missed your mouth with the fork._

“Let’s just focus on the Olympics.” He started for another kiss, completely intending for it to progress further. But Yuzu pushed him away with a sigh.

“You so distracted though. I know you don’t really think this nothing. I help, okay?” It wasn’t really much of a request, but more of a demand, a warning before he actually did it. And rather let Yuzu worry with him, Javi wanted him to let go too. If Yuzu was distracted because of him, and cost him a podium spot because of him, he could never forgive himself.

Javi smiled knowingly. “You already have _cariño,_ just talking with you makes me feel so much better. I promise not to think about this anymore. Just focus on a good skate this week.”

“Promise?” Yuzu stared at him with his adorable puppy dog eyes and Javi couldn’t help but melt a little under his gaze.

  
  


Javi doesn’t make the podium that week. He misses a medal by a sliver and no matter how much he denies it, he let the media coverage get to him.

He tries so hard not to let his anger and sadness seep through and just watch Yuzu bask in his own golden halo (which in his opinion was there before the Olympic Champion title).

No matter what, Javi is still genuinely happy for Yuzu, and congratulates him the best he can without reminding himself of all the step-outs and popped jumps of his own skate.

In the end, there’s nothing he can do. He can blame everyone else, blame the reporters, blame it on the universe, fate, luck, whatever. But blaming them would mean would mean he did nothing wrong. It would mean his own conscience walks guilt-free when in reality he’s the only one who messed up his own skate.

 

He knew it was coming, but was still a little taken aback when Yuzu confronts him.

“You promised, Javi. You said you don’t care anymore but you still look so mad.” Yuzu sounds almost disappointed, and Javi’s heart clenches at the thought of letting him down.

“I know. I tried but it wasn’t enough. Everyone keeps saying I don’t deserve a spot at the Olympics and I’m starting to think they’re right.”

They’re alone in Javi’s hotel room, standing at opposite ends. It isn’t until Javi breaks down and closes the small distance between them and all but falls into Yuzu’s arms. His face falls into the crook of his neck and he can’t help but breathe in his scent.

“They wrong. Whoever said you don’t belong here. You do.”

Javi can’t decide whether he means here as in the Olympics, or here as in here in Yuzu’s warm embrace, because only one of them he is already 100% sure about.

Surprisingly, Yuzu is the one apologizing. “I sorry I not help. I should have been there for you, but I a little selfish.”

Javi pulls back to look him in the face, hands clutching at his shirt. “Are you serious? Yuzuru, you’ve helped me in ways unimaginable. It’s my own fault for saying it in the first place, and it’s my own fault for obsessing over it.”

“I sorry you not get podium. I know you really want it.”

Javi laughs, “Yeah, but who doesn’t?”

Yuzu pulls him in close again, letting his cheek rest against Javi’s broad chest.

Javi loves when Yuzu does that. It was almost as if he was trying to find the darkest parts hidden away inside and purge them from his body. Javi wants to ask him if he can hear his heart beating, if he knows that his heart beats _for him,_ but chooses to let this moment rest in silence.

After a while, Yuzu breaks away with a sharp inhale, indicating his displeasure with a deep frown.

“I have interview soon. I have to go now.”

Javi looks down, sheepishly smiling at how much 10 minutes with Yuzu has already made this shitty day so much less shitty.

“Yeah of course. Don’t forget your English, hmm?”

Yuzu looks grateful when Javi finally makes fun of him for his broken English, and besides the moments immediately after earning the Olympic Champion title, sincerely smiles, eye crinkles and all.

“Come find me later. We celebrate tonight, okay?”

Javi’s heart jumps a little at the insinuation, but tries to keep his cool.

“Sure, which room were you in again?” He trails off, scratching the back of his neck, trying to pretend like they weren’t both sleeping in Yuzu’s room just last night, or that Javi has probably been to Yuzu’s room everyday this past week.

Yuzu lets out a hearty laugh, jokingly shoving Javi’s shoulder.

“I see you tonight.”

“Tonight. It’s a date then.”

Yuzu’s unrelenting smile and twinkle in his eyes as he left the room with one last backwards glance undeniably brought back those damn butterflies Javi thought he was finally getting rid of.

Then the door shuts, and Javi is left alone to stew in his own thoughts. Except this time, he couldn’t care less about that stupid article or what comments were being left on his Instagram.

His phone suddenly buzzes and he receives a text message from none other than his boyfriend. It was a selfie, probably taken seconds ago, as Javi could see his hotel door in the background. Yuzu’s face took up a majority of the screen, his nose all scrunched up in the most adorable way, with his hand right next to his cheek in a little fist pump. The caption read ‘ _Cheer up Habi’_ , and Javi’s mood instantly soared through the roof. When they first met, Yuzu couldn’t really pronounce his name correctly, which bugged Javi to no end. Except now, it stood as a term of endearment for him, like their own little inside joke.

Another text comes through reading ‘ _Can’t wait for tonight’_ , complete with its own winky face emoji and all.

He softens at thought that Yuzu blamed _himself_ for Javi missing the bronze, and his lips curl up, just thinking about Yuzu. He feels like a little kid on Christmas, anticipating tonight, and resists the urge to peek at his presents a little early. Yuzu was probably very busy the rest of the day, and he feels reassured when he knows Yuzu feels the same.

Javi sighs contentedly and flops down on the bed. He responds with the most sincere _‘I love you’_ he can manage over text, then musters up the courage to go on his social media. He makes a post, apologizing for what he said last week, knowing that it probably won’t help, but not posting it would probably hurt a lot more.

_As an athlete representing Spain in the Olympics, I’m truly sorry for the remarks I made regarding  the LGBT community last week. I did not mean in any way shape or form to offend anyone because of their identity, and apologize for my mistakes. I want you to know I do support gay rights and my silly comment was poor judgement on my behalf. -Sincerely, Javier._

He clicks post before he can change his mind, shuts his phone off chucking it to the side. Brian would probably be calling him soon and he hopes to catch a small nap before he gets the pity speech from his coach. Javi turns on his side, for once not mulling over the past and actually looking forward to the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading! hope you like it, will be one more chapter. I'm transitioning into exam season so it'll be a while until I get to work on the ending. (hehe pls end my suffering :/ ) also i questioned this chapter like 20,0000 times and i'm just happy to finally get it posted.


	3. Eventually

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things come full circle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this took forever. I started writing it before ap exams (lol back in may) and was totally on a roll but when i came back, i couldn't write for shit. I had massive writers block, everything i typed i wanted to delete, it was just a bad time all around. Basically when i picked it up again, nothing i had in mind was translating through my words, and what i was working on wasn't really matching what i had before. Also, i kinda fell out of the whole figure skating fandom, and i low-key might not really ship Yuzuvier anymore so I apologize for whoever actually takes the time to read this chapter. It's real bad. i just wanted to finish this to at least say I've done something with my life. i won't blame you if you hate it, i hate it too.

The room’s quiet as they sit on the bed, staring at each other. It’s somber, neither of them making any notion to start a conversation. Starting a conversation would mean ending something else, and that ending would quite literally end _them._

 

They both know what’s coming, but they can’t bring themselves to ruin their last moments of happiness.

 

In retrospect, Javi had this planned from years ago. He knew that this relationship came with an expiration date, and bought into it anyway. Is it better to experience joy like you’ve never before, even if it means suffering in the end? Or is it better to never know at all, never knowing heaven and never knowing hell? Maybe he deserves to suffer; if he was stupid enough to drive down a dead end, ignoring all the road signs and warnings, he deserves to pay the price when he inevitably hits someone when trying to back out. Except the person he hits is him, and he is the driver and the car and the road all at once and the only thing that was getting hurt was his own heart as it got run over in the midst of all the chaos.

 

Javi can’t decide on anything right now. Mainly because his brain is all muddled and dazed, mimicking the way one wakes up from a dream, a fantasy played out in the deep subconscious that dissolves with the rising sun.

 

He shuts his eyes, trying to keep out the harsh reality creeping up on him. But when in the darkness of his own mind, all he can imagine is Yuzu saying “I love you _but…”._ Javi can’t ignore reality forever, but damn it if he won’t try. Maybe if they just sit here until the stars fade, their actual problems will fade too.

 

Before he knows it, Javi is crying. The uncontrollable, ugly sobbing kind of crying. Yuzu sweeps him up into his arms, soothing and gentle. His hands caress his back like his mother would when he was a child, and it only makes Javi cry harder, reminding him of his family back home and the whole reason they were doing this now.  

 

“It’s not fair.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

A moment of hesitation.

 

“I know.”

 

In the end, there’s nothing else to be said. What could they say? I love you? They already know that, love being the one constant in their relationship. Goodbye? But saying goodbye would really be the final nail in the coffin. Saying goodbye would be closing the door on each other, never expecting anything else. Saying goodbye would mean the next time they want inside, they have to knock. But who the hell knocks on the door to your own house? If they were to say goodbye, they’d undoubtedly break down moments later, turning back to call the other back inside, only to find a ‘sold’ sign in the front lawn and another couple already settling into the spacious living room.

 

They could have ignored the situation entirely, try to date long distance across oceans and continents, and subsequently watch themselves deteriorate in the other’s eyes, as texts dwindled down and Skype calls got put on the back burner. If they were going to end things, they should at least do it while they were still in love. Javi wants to remember Yuzu as his favorite person, his favorite kiss, favorite hug, favorite home, favorite _everything._ The only thing worse than breaking up love would probably be falling out of it, and after Javi’s finally come to terms that this happiness was real, the worst thing to do would be to tear down everything they’ve been building for the past 6 years. Instead they could seal everything away in their own treasure chest to try and preserve it like some kind of ancient artwork. And maybe in some years, they can finally dig out the key they have guarded with their life, and begin to remember.

  


The next morning they walk through the airport together, hands tangled together along with the mess of straps and handles of luggage. It isn’t until they get to the security checkpoint that Yuzu stops. Javi looks back at him, hands still linked together. He tries to give a small encouraging smile, like coaxing a scared puppy to leave the warmth of its mother for the first time. Except the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and his lips don’t really curl up all the way, and his arm falls slack against his side.

 

“I have to go. I’ll miss my flight.” He knows that he doesn’t care about the stupid flight at all, but dragging this out any longer than he had to was like dragging his heart through a fire pit, and he would very much like for the stabbing pain to stop.

 

“I don’t care.” Yuzuru clings to him like he was the only solid thing left on earth to grasp onto, the only thing keeping him from spiralling down the cliff of misery and loneliness and everything bad. To Yuzu, Javi leaving feels like the sun disappearing. Yuzu needs him, because Javi is his own personal angel who protects him from the deepest darkest evils that are constantly trying to squeeze through the cracks in his life.

 

Javi settles into the hug, reasoning that it’s _last one_ , and he can’t give up this chance. The airport is extremely busy that day, but the silence is almost deafening.

 

“What’s going to happen to us?”

 

Yuzu lays his hands on Javi’s cheeks, tilting his face up so the tears can fall properly instead of dripping discreetly to the floor.

 

“This will sounds cheesy, but we will be okay… eventually.” Yuzu lays a last kiss, soft and slow, on his lips. Javi tells the flower to stop blooming in his chest and tries to squash the butterflies flitting around in his stomach.

 

“Maybe in another world. We could be together, for real.”

 

“Maybe.” Yuzu’s arms return to wrap around his waist once more. “But I like this world. It has you.”

 

Javi cracks a half-forced smirk. “Silly, we’d be together in other worlds too, but perhaps there’s one where it’s forever.”

 

“I don’t know how universe works. I only know it lead me to you.” Yuzu rests the point of his chin in the middle of Javi’s chest, and stares up at him from below, arms still wrapped around his waist.

 

Javi’s gaze becomes transfixed on the collar of Yuzu’s old jacket. The fabric is a little frayed at the edge, and suddenly Javi finds himself drawn to it, dropping his nose to his neck, resting his ear on Yuzu’s shoulder. They squeeze each other hard, as if trying to extract another decade of life from the other and absorb the essence into their own body. They could fool themselves a little while longer like this, imagining they were in each other’s souls. God knows they’ve made a deep enough imprint there already.

 

Javi finally pulls back, and cradles both of Yuzu’s hands within his. “I’m going to go now okay?”

 

Yuzu stays silent, but then gives a hesitant nod. Tears were blurring his vision, and Javi’s face was beginning to look like a blob now.

 

Javi lets his thumb trace over each of Yuzu’s fingernails one last time. An odd part of him to try and ingrain, but looking at Yuzu’s crumpled face would ruin him.

 

He walks to the checkpoint slowly, one hand around his neck. He feels like the air is closing in around him, suffocating him. He looks back once to see Yuzu’s small frame just outside the gate. There’s a small voice inside of him, dreamy and hopeful. _Go to him. He’s what matters most._ And Javi would agree otherwise, except for the fact that both of them understand how important their careers and goals are to each other. Giving up things, big things, for the other party inevitably has its drawbacks. It would become a wedge that widens with time, something to hold against the other. They’d start blaming each other for forgotten aspirations, all the could-have-beens, because no matter how much you love someone, sacrificing another half of you is never easy.

 

Javi walks down the terminal in a daze. He clenches his fists, pushing his nails into the soft flesh of his palms. He wants nothing more than to wake up in the cozy locker room with blood flowing from his nose and the first ‘I love you’ on the tip of his tongue. The prospect of starting all over again makes his body tense up, as Javi compiles his list of things he should’ve done, if given the chance again. _Let me start over, I’ll do it better, I’ll love him harder, I swear it._

 

His body turns on auto-pilot, as he suddenly finds himself already seated and buckled on the plane.

 

When they take off, Javi feels like he’s floating underwater, and would’ve believed so with the window overlooking the creamy blue sky, rays of light distorting the distance from the ground, if it were not for the bright white clouds hanging in the backdrop.

 

He huffs in annoyance at the weather. Why did it seem like mother nature was celebrating this day?

 

Instead of looking outside, he shuts his eyes, imagining he really was at the bottom of the ocean, looking up at the sun through layers of water and air. He sees Yuzu’s face peering down at him from the surface, reaching out his hand, not to pull him up, but just to hold his hand like an anchor, making sure he can’t drift away in the swells of the sea. The pilot’s voice suddenly blasts over the speaker, and Yuzu’s image dashes away like a frightened school of fish.

 

The longer the flight progresses, the heavier Javi’s heart weighs. By the time of arrival, it feels like he’s carrying a rock in his chest. He worries that this is what it will be like, the more time that passes, the more sadness that settles in.

 

That evening he begins unpacking his suitcase, and finds right on top, a stuffed Pooh bear tissue box carefully tucked in between the two stacks of clothes. He gingerly lifts him out, hugging it to his face. Javi cries himself to sleep that night, holding Pooh close, unable to comprehend how Yuzu was able to part with his beloved animal companion. Yet he is grateful, because while he once called himself Yuzu’s makeshift Pooh, this little ball of fluff was now a stand-in Yuzu, though more of an understudy he had to settle for than an equal. And in his sleep, Javi dreams of Yuzu sneaking Pooh into his luggage when he wasn’t looking, giving him some kisses on the stitching of the nose to transfer to Javi all the way in Spain, and Javi unconsciously snuggles closer to the stuffed animal.

  
  


 

“Don’t worry Javi, time heals all wounds.” He’s at home with Laura, who’s been incessantly trying to cheer him up. Except he doesn’t want to be cheered up. Everyone’s been telling him that it’ll get better, that in a few years, this heartbreak will just be a tiny blip in his life. Javi attempts to smile, but it comes across more like a scowl. He hates that phrase. The thought that he’ll eventually get over this pierces his heart, and he physically shudders as the waves of empty sobs rack his body.

 

He doesn’t want to forget. It’s been three months, and each day the sharp feeling of loss becomes a little more blunt. He hates himself for becoming accustomed to living on his own. It’s as if recovering from their breakup, learning to be happy after, would be an insult to Yuzu, a cold hearted wake up call that he wasn’t important enough to remember. He fights himself at the thought of wanting the pain to stop, because the pain is the only thing left telling him he’s still capable of feeling anything.

 

On the other hand, he’s tired of the sleepless nights and constant longing for a certain Japanese skater. He’s sick of his heart jumping everytime he goes out and happens to see a skinny dark-haired boy standing at the corner of the block, thinking that Yuzu came to find him. The weight that settled in his chest at the airport the day he left is still present and crushing.

  


“It’s the end of an era,” Laura joked one day.

 

“Can you please not talk about my sad and depressing love life? It really isn’t funny.” Javi came on a little more aggressive than necessary, but it felt like he was defending Yuzuru, even though Laura meant no harm by the trivial comment.

 

Javi decides he wants it to hurt. He can’t help but grasp onto the grief, because only then will he hold onto everything else, his reality, his identity, everything bright and pure and soft that Yuzuru gave him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In Yuzuru’s opinion, the early, quiet mornings are the worst. It reminds him of the way they used to wake up, slowly at first, with the fluttering of eyelids, then all at once, with a full smile and lazy kisses underneath the covers. Not only that, he always finds himself shifted to the right side of the bed, every single morning without fail, as if his body knows that there’s a reserved spot for Javi that’s still open and waiting for him.

 

Equally dreadful, however, are the late nights, accompanied by the hum of the AC unit. It reminds him of the way they used to fall asleep, simultaneously with heavy breaths and entangled limbs on top of the thick blankets. The light of the moon is supposed to comfort him, except he can’t be bothered to move aside the curtain. Yuzuru lies awake thinking about nothing and everything, unable to sleep with this emptiness weaving in and out of him.

 

It’s the small things he misses most. All the moments he’s taken for granted in their daily routine hit him the hardest. Sometimes he ends up cooking for two, only to realize that he’s once again pulled out a second plate but has no one to hand it to. Sometimes he’ll end up showering much later than intended, because Javi always preferred to shower before him. He said he didn’t like it when the bathroom was all steamed, it made him feel stuffy. Sometimes, his hand just reaches out, looking for the touch of familiar fingers, but there’s nothing to hold onto.

 

He misses Javi and his special talent in making any bad day a little less bad, any good day infinitely better. He misses Javi because he’s Yuzuru and and Yuzuru will always miss Javi.

 

They had texted for a little while after, but it’s evidently awkward and sad and everything Yuzuru doesn’t want associated with Javi, so they stopped.

 

The ice does little to console him, instead it feels like brutal punishment, fall after fall, each skate rocky and unsure. Yuzu’s legs feel all weak and shaky, even though he’s expanded his workout regiment. The gym wasn’t really his thing, but it was Javi’s.

 

Everyday is a question of _how does he recover from this?_ How does he recover from losing a part of himself? Everything Yuzuru does reminds him of Javi and each memory chips away at his heart, until he’s just a shell of his old self.

 

This isn’t what he meant when he said  they’d be okay. He didn’t think it’d turn out like this, feeling so much until he feels nothing. If this is ‘okay’, he doesn’t want to be okay. He used to see everything through rose tinted glasses, except now his rose was dead, and his glasses were cracked and the sharp edges were cutting into his skin, and he really really wants Javi.

 

The first Christmas is the hardest. Yuzuru spends it with his family in Japan, but he’s uncharacteristically silent the whole trip while his parents exchange worried glances over dinner.

 

“Yuzu, honey, we’re a little worried about you.” His mother approaches him after the saddest New Year’s of his life, with a hand on his knee and that pitying look that should only be reserved for people who just lost a loved one.

 

_I didn’t lose him,_ he thinks fiercely. _We gave up on each other, that’s all. This is what happens when you give up. You rip out your own heart and set it on fire. You watch it burn because even your own tears aren’t enough to put out the flames._

 

He doesn’t say any of this, just a curt “I’m fine.” But if Yuzu was being truthful, he’d really say, “Everything hurts. Everything is falling apart and for some reason I _want_ it to fall apart. I want the whole world to see how sad I am, I want him to see what he’s done to me.”

 

Of course, being his mother she already knows. Her hand squeezes his leg, trying to assure him.   


“I know it still hurts, but that means you care. It’s not a bad thing to be in pain, Yuzu. Embracing it might be better. It might help you move on.”

 

Yuzuru clenches his teeth, wanting to yell that he already has. Doesn’t she know he tried? He tried so hard, to be sad, to be happy, to be nothing. None of it has ever worked, and will never work.

 

Except she’s his mother and he knows she only wants the best for him, so he holds back his tongue.

 

Yuzu sits there, tears spilling over his cheeks. How could he learn to live like this, half dead and in constant pain? If what his mother said was true, the heart beating in his chest wasn’t his to keep. At this point, Yuzu knows he has two choices: try to purge it from his body, tell his brain that this foreign object, this life source that could so easily be mistaken as his own, doesn’t belong anymore; or he could push on, be a little selfish, and hang onto Javi a little while longer, waiting for the day that these memories no longer stab and pick at him so ruthlessly.

 

“I just...I just wish I never knew him at all. Then I wouldn’t be so sad now.”

 

“Yuzu…” His mother’s voice sounds surprised. “Sometimes, the world is just cruel, taking away things we love. But not loving at all would be even crueler. To make yourself feel nothing at all so as not to feel anything, that’s worse than losing a part of you. Right now, that other half is still out there. I know Javi has it, and will take good care of it. You should do the same. If only until you learn how to live on without it.”

 

Yuzu wants to believe in everything his mother is telling him. He wants to believe there will be a time the mere thought of Javi doesn’t spark instant regret or even a tiny bit of hope. Yet Yuzu knows, despite all his desperate wants and needs, that when you get a heart transplant, the scar never really fades. It stays with you through the years, an imprint on your body, a little tell about the wearer’s deepest secrets. Surgery is a scary thing. And Yuzu never wants to be under the knife again.

  


The TCC feels cold and empty in Javi’s absence. Yuzu feels a little betrayed, because he thought he could at least count on the ice to be there for him, but the rink seems like his own worst enemy, kicking him while he’s already down, over and over again. It isn’t until Brian blows up at him one day, frustrated that nothing is going right.

 

“Can you please just get over yourself? I’ve given you time, I’ve given you space, pull your crap together for god sake!” His coach shoots him a look, unforgiving and cold, saying, _Really? This kid used to be the Olympic Champion?_ Which really has become such a routine lately that Yuzuru shouldn’t even be shocked, much less offended, because he knows he deserves it. “At this rate, you’ll be even lucky to qualify for the next Olympics, much less attempt your precious quad axel.”

 

It’s sickeningly frustrating because Yuzu knows exactly what’s wrong, but there’s nothing he could do to fix it.  

 

Yuzu shakes his head, as if trying to get a lock of hair out of his eyes, despite his hair being slicked back with sweat already. It seemed that he was just empty on luck these days.

 

Skating without Javi was like the color drained out of his vision. It’s not quite black and white but just a dull shade of nothingness, everything muted and indistinguishable. Before, he desperately hoped for everything to freeze in time. If nothing changed, he could have pretended that his fairytale ending was even plausible, that he and Javi could ride into the setting sun forever. Now he can’t help but want time to speed up faster and faster because _how much longer does he have to endure this?_

  


“Third time’s the charm, huh Hanyu?”

 

Brian chuckles and smiles at him, clapping him on the back. He’s hours away from his short program in Beijing, and couldn’t disagree with his coach more. His first two Olympics were nothing short of everything he’s ever wanted, yet currently he feels like he’s desperately clawing his way uphill to maintain even a podium finish.

 

Moments before he takes the ice, he feels himself spiraling. Every time he’s performed at the Olympics, he’s had his two biggest supporters: Pooh (although stashed away in the changing rooms), and Javi. This time Yuzu has nothing to keep him grounded. It’s like walking into his own bedroom, except it’s pitch black and all the furniture’s been rearranged and he keeps stumbling over everything he used to be familiar with.

 

The moments during feel ridiculously out of control. The hushed silence of the crowd make him want to melt into the rink and let his entire existence dissipate. Yuzu finds himself repeating over and over in his head _it’ll be over soon it’ll be over soon it’ll be over soon._ Which throws him off balance in a whole new way because he’s never before wanted to _not_ skate, especially when the stakes were so high.

 

Moments after he feels a whirlwind of anger, not at himself but at Javi. He blames Javi for leaving him like this, unable to function, messing up on the Olympic stage. Yuzuru grows even angrier because he’s perfectly aware he should only be mad at himself. If anything, it’s his fault that he still allows Javi to effect him like this. Three and a half years is way too long to take to recover from a broken heart, and Yuzu winces when thinking about how Javi is probably living a normal happy life, even _after_.

 

By the end of the day he’s in 6th place, which he’s surprisingly happy with, because honestly, it could’ve been so much worse. Yet he feels like he’s in last place, with the amount of people disappointed in his performance today. Yuzuru crawls into bed, shame and disgust rising fast in his throat. He begins to think he should’ve just retired when Javi did, followed him back to Spain. Maybe they didn’t want jeopardize careers or whatnot, but currently, Yuzuru’s name was quickly tanking anyways. He screams into his pillow, tears spilling and smearing everywhere. _Was it worth it, Yuzu? You sacrificed him just to fail anyway._ Yuzu curls into a ball, a delirious sniffling mess within the blankets. He ignores the soft knocking at the door, not wanting to deal with Brian at this particular moment.

 

The knocking slowly transitions into a steady pounding, only pausing when Yuzuru chucks a pillow towards the sound, landing against the door with a small _thwack._ If anything, it only makes Brian knock harder, and Yuzuru groans as he drags himself out of bed.

 

His excuse already in mind and practically out of his mouth, he whips open the door, prepared to explain to his coach that he _really_ isn’t in the mood to analyze his latest failure and if he would be so kind, to leave him the hell alone for the night.  

 

Instead he’s met with a fist so close to his face he physically jumps back on instinct. And standing right in front of him is _Javi._

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Yuzuru’s stands there, mouth repeatedly opening and closing like a fish out of water. He pinches himself to make sure he isn’t dreaming.

 

“Yuzuru, are you alright?”

 

And suddenly he’s painfully aware of his tear-streaked cheeks and red, puffy eyes. Yuzu quickly swipes at his face with the inside of his wrist, a futile attempt at getting rid of the evidence of him bawling his eyes out just a few seconds ago.

 

“Why- I mean how are you….What are you doing here?”

 

“I just flew in. I...I don’t know really. I missed you.” Javi’s shoulders droop, as if saying the fact aloud magically released all his pent up stress and worries. “I told you I’d come cheer you on, remember?”

 

Yuzuru is at a loss for words. For starters there’s a tiny part of him that thinks he’s hallucinating. The other part wants to kiss Javi until they can’t breathe and punch him shitless at the same time. Needless to say, it’s a very confusing situation.

 

“I saw your skate earlier. I just wanted to check in.”

 

Yuzu resists the urge to roll his eyes. Of all the people who’ve given him the ‘pity speech’ recently, he sure as hell didn’t want it from Javi.

 

“I’m fine, thanks.” Javi pulls back, the surprise showing in his eyes at Yuzuru’s curtness.

 

“Can I come in?” Javi’s voice trails off into a quiet whisper, gaze averting to the ground when Yuzu’s eyes try to find his.

 

Yuzu sighs. How could he ever say no to Javi?

 

The latch catches faintly behind them and Yuzu presses his back to the door, facing Javi as he slowly circles around the room. He lets his fingers trail along the bedspread before whirling around to look at Yuzu.

 

“So, how have you been?”

 

The question seems so formal and distant, Yuzu senses the anger boil up until it starts to froth.

 

“Am I _okay?_ ” He repeats the question as if it were so absurd, as if it were no longer Javi’s place to ask him this.

 

There are so many things he could have done, so many hateful things he could have said. Instead he finds himself in Javi’s arms, their bodies fitting together so naturally and this, _this is what coming home feels like_.

 

“No.” He shakes his head and feels Javi cradle the back of his neck. Everything feels so strange, yet so familiar. “No I am not okay.”

 

He prays Javi doesn’t notice but there are tears dripping down his nose again, and they’re starting to spot on his jacket.

 

Javi lifts his face to level with his own. “I’m here now, _cariño_.” His thumbs wipe right under Yuzu’s eyes, the rest of his palms holding either side of Yuzu’s cheeks.

 

Yuzu nods—barely. For all Javi knows he could just be doing one of those mini-bows he did whenever greeting someone.

 

“Would you like a tissue?”

 

In the chaos of the past 5 minutes, Yuzuru didn’t register that Javi had been holding a small yellow object. His eyes widen when he realizes it’s Pooh-san and a giggle escapes through the tears. Yuzu takes the stuffed animal from Javi, squeezing it hard before taking a tissue and blowing his nose.

 

“I missed you.” Yuzu looks up at Javi from behind Pooh’s ears, raising one of his paws as if it were waving hello.

 

“Me or the bear?” Javi asks, a smile plastered wide across his face. Yuzuru shoves Javi playfully, a little too forceful, causing Javi to stumble and fall back on the bed.

 

“You, silly.”

 

And then Yuzu is sitting in his lap and looking straight through his eyes into his soul. Javi swallows hard, his adam’s apple noticeably moving up and down. His right arm moves around to hold Yuzu around the waist, his left going behind to support him as he leans back slightly.

 

He expects a kiss that feels like setting fireworks ablaze, exploding into a ball of need and desire and desperation. It should have been like sitting in front of a five course meal after starving all your life, finally able to relieve this _hunger_. It should have been frantic and rushed, like trying to catch up on years of lost time, of lost kisses. It should have been a lot of things. Rather, their lips meet slow and gentle, like the lull of ocean waves, pushing and pulling constantly until the rocks underneath are washed down to smooth sand.

 

When they finally break apart, both are smiling hard.

 

“I missed you.”

 

“I know.” Yuzuru slides his fingers across Javi’s collarbone, a feather-light touch.

 

“I missed you too.”

 

“I know.”

 

“How long are you staying?”

 

Javi shrugs. “I don’t know. However long you’re staying, I guess.” Javi is delighted to find that finally, the heavy weight on his chest has lifted, and it’s like he can breathe properly once more, deep, heavy breaths of fresh air, crisp in his lungs, and warm in his heart.

 

His phone beeps, and he struggles to dig it out of his pocket with one hand.

 

“It’s Laura. She wants to know how it went.”

 

“What went?”

 

Javi motions between them, pointing a finger back and forth. “This. I, for one, thought it went great.”

 

“Tell her...tell her I’m happy. Very happy.”

 

Javi drops the phone to the side, his hands moving up to caress Yuzu’s cheeks.

 

“She can wait.” He leans forward, stretching his torso to meet Yuzu’s lips above. The few minutes of kissing feel like a lifetime, as it should. A minute with Javi like this could hold him over till tomorrow. If this was some cruel dream, Yuzu would take it. To him, a dream is better than nothing.

 

They fall back on the bed, side by side, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

 

“What now?”

 

Javi cranes his neck to look sideways at Yuzu. “Honestly? I don’t know.”   


Yuzu’s eyes slowly shut and he slides his hand into Javi’s, intertwining their fingers together. Neither of them speak for a while, just basking in happiness, content for the first time in years.

 

It’s Yuzu who breaks the silence. “I was thinking on retiring.”

 

Javi lays still, then rolls halfway on top of Yuzu, supporting himself on his left forearm, his other hand habitually gravitating towards the outside of Yuzu’s thigh.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” Yuzu holds both hands clutched to his chest. He nods a little, unsure of Javi’s reaction. “It’s no longer fun without you.”

 

They fall asleep curled around each other, fully dressed, the lights still on. In the morning, Javi wakes up alone in bed, and momentarily panics that last night was just a figment of his imagination. That he dreamt it all and he was still home in Spain. It isn’t until he looks around and sees a room foreign to him, and a note on the pillow.

 

_Had to get up early for competition today. We need to talk later. -Yuzu._

  
  
  


“Well you’re rather chipper today, huh?” Brian smirks at him across the breakfast table, a plate of toast and eggs, still warm from the buffet line, sitting in front of him.

 

“Did you know?” Yuzu leans in with a hushed voice, like the topic at hand is a confidential matter.

 

“Know what?”

 

“That Javi is here.”

 

Brian takes a long sip from his coffee mug, never breaking eye contact with Yuzu. “Who do you think gave him the room number?”

  
  
  
  


His free program isn’t perfect, albeit it’s not a performance he’s completely ashamed to have to his name. No matter how much of a support system Javi is, training like the crap he did for 3 years won’t be overcome by one night of emotional healing, and by the last minute, his legs are ready to give out. He can’t exactly see Javi, but Yuzu’s aware of his presence in the stadium, and tries his best to skate _for him._

 

Yuzu doesn’t quite win the gold he was looking for, but ends up with a nice bronze medal regardless. Immediately after the ceremony, Yuzu glides off to find Javi. He’s waiting in the changing rooms, arms open, knowing exactly what Yuzu needs.

 

“Hey,” Yuzu breathes out. The smile spreads across his face so naturally, because this is what it finally feels like to not have your world flipped upside down for once. Javi hugs him hard, wondering when the last time someone held him like this, like he was supposed to be held.

 

“I’m sorry you didn’t get the gold. You worked really hard for it. All of it.”

 

Yuzu shakes his sweaty head against Javi’s chest and tries to burrow deeper in his embrace. “I don’t care anymore.” He draws back to look at Javi face to face, hands upon either shoulder. “These past few years… I learned that there’s a difference between what I work for and what I _live_ for. Not being with you hurts more than being with you. I don’t want to hurt anymore, Javi.”

 

Javi nods and it’s suddenly like a light switch has been flipped. He feels like a foolish child, realizing he made the simplest mistake in an easy math problem. How on _earth_ did he ever think this would work? Why would he consciously make the effort to not be happy? He wants to travel back in time 3 years and talk some sense into his past self, save himself from all this unnecessary grief.

 

His eyes search Yuzu’s. He’s missed this sort of wordless communication thing they have.

 

“Look, I know we can’t just pick up where we left off-”

 

“Agreed.”

 

“-so let’s just not use any labels for now. I think it’s best to catch up first, you know, learn about the past 3 years.”

 

Yuzu smiles, nodding enthusiastically. “It will be like a recipe.” He holds out a hand to his left and his right, palms open and facing up. “Take ourselves,” gesturing to each hand then clasping them together in the middle, “and mix them together. At the end of the day, we’re still our separate ingredients. Just better together.”

 

Javi laughs, full and hearty, before his face grows serious once more. “No matter what, I love you. Don’t think that this ‘no labels’ thing changes any of that.”

 

Yuzu traces tiny hearts over Javi’s chest, over his actual heart. “Is this a dream? Am I dreaming?”

 

Javi exhales through his nose, beaming. “I sure hope not.”

 

“I love you,” Yuzu says. He rubs their noses together, blinking only inches away from Javi’s eyes. “How did I get so lucky? Not only once, but twice.”

 

Javi finally leans in to steal a deep kiss. He breaks away with a hand tangled in Yuzu’s hair. “It’s not so much as luck as it is our choices. Sometimes, we make our own luck.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #neveragain. next time imma just stick to one shots. if you read this far i appreciate your existence. <3  
> I wanted the ending to be super open ended, but them still always coming back to each other. Their relationship after this is your imagination (which is a bad choice on my end, because this fic is already imagination but i didn't want to define anything).
> 
> i also totally ripped off cmbyn with Perlman's monologue and i apologize for putting it in this shitty fic. towards the end my writing just became more and more of a modpodge of whatever i was reading or watching at the time, so theres probably some tggtvav and sense8 in there somewhere. once again, I'm so sorry this took forever, may the rest of your fics you read be more enjoyable than this one


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